My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
New mindset, who dis?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.