Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Me My dog
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.