I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
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Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Lmao
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*