One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
PER MY LAST EMAIL
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work