Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
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Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I’m aging like a fine banana
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
estão todos miauvindo?