How to find Kentucky on a map
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friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup