How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
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How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.