In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you