*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M