“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
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neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Bond. Trauma bond.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no