Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Good news
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.