Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
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Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)