me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
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HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Help Wanted
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
apparently this year was written by stephen king
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.