I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.