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Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Facebook memories be like
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”