Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Me buying fruit and veg
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.