*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
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I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath