I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
You Might Also Like
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!