GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.