Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Basically.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB