My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
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Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.