*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
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My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.