For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”