Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!