If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
me hooking up with my ex
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
5 ways to appear taller
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it