WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway