[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
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Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”