You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
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Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same