The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
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I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please