I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
You Might Also Like
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I would like even faster food.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs