Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
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When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
my mind
You just read my mind
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.