Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
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Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“i miss shittin on people”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail