I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
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Yes my dude
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Yup!
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on