WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
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Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.