this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
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Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.