My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I have a black belt in leather
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.