“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
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I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings