A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
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I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Breaking news:
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!