Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.