I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.