Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
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No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Labreador
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Cat is stressing him out.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.