Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
5 ways to appear taller
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
A great tip. #CakeRex
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.