[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
where the womens at?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I love wikipedia
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent