[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
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Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
no their not
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️