Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.