I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
You Might Also Like
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Meow