11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.