Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
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I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Care for your back
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.