I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
You Might Also Like
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”