At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
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FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Self-cleaning conscience
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.